'Welcome to my world'

I love my house so much and i love my room despite the fact that at this very moment i don't feel too good in it but that's a whole other issue. This is my own oasis. Took this collage of pictures for a room contest still haven't heard anything from them but it was fun taking pictures of my favorite things in my room.

a brief description of my favorite things in my room I will begin from the Top left side going clock wise: My world wall i've posted postcards and little souvenirs from around the world (haven't been there myself but have gotten them as gifts) also have things that i've made myself like my light switched, then we have my wonderful white wood desk (which i love so much) then its my door a la Andy Warhol (kisses by my 2 sisters and myself) then some of my jewelery and stuff i like, my (at times comfy bed), Midnight and Rainbow (my beta fish), my cool designed (by yours truly) pill box Sunday broke so i now use a rubber band to keep it in place. Ahh one of my favorite items in my room are my nail polish collection (OPI's, Orly, Essie, Nicole by OPI, Sally Hansen etc......... my hand made mermaid box those are real shells from El Salvador, and last but not least my bracelet rack with Starbucks stickers.

S.O.S

3:18 am yet another sleep less night, tossing and turning once again there's no way i can sleep. Not one bit i'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown im feeling scared, anxious, annoyed so extremely sad. I don't comprehend what goes on in my body anymore. Had a regular day tried to eat as healthy as i could even went for a long nice walk smelled and felt the wonderful breeze of green plants and trees.

I don't get it one bit and it drives me crazy how can i not think about my health when i don't feel normal, i try to lay down and the very second i do i hear my heart pounding under my breast on my fingers i mean its just driving me crazy, i feel like im insane. I don't know if its my mind or if its my body i can no longer differentiate what is going on. It's just so difficult and i feel like i can't take it! no matter how hard i try  this is just way bigger than me.

I feel trapped right now i feel like i have to put on a brave face till July 1st when hopefully (fingers crossed) i will be able to have my new insurance. So this is just such a difficult task i've been tempted to go wake up my mom so she can keep me company. I swear im desperately searching for companion i dislike being a lone its just like before all over again. I don't feel safe in my room anymore i no longer have that wonderful feeling of going to bed, relaxing and enjoying the feeling of being alone. I guess im going through depression again i really seriously am very concern for my well being.

Believe me i try my hardest, but i've been noticing that the things that i was doing before like painting my nails and that sort of think no longer help me. I try to read, watch tv, draw, write etc......... and its just not helping one bit.

I forget things so quickly im seriously worse than a gold fish or even like Dory (from Nemo) i guess maybe my thyroid levels could be down again. Or my hormones are playing games on me. I have that weird feeling like twitches in different parts of my body which is probably my calcium levels. I just feel like i need to vent and have a good cry to let out how im feeling. Seriously as soon as i have my insurance i will seek a psychologist i feel like i need therapy to help me out with my emotions and just everything that is going on.

Feels like my digestive system is having some kind of issue as well. My stomach hurts here and there and  i just have the need to vomit (which i didn't today) but still its just so annoying.

I need to find a solution i don't think i can take these restless nights anymore i need my sleep. Seriously pray for me im scared i don't know what to do anymore.


Confused and very annoyed!

-Karla-

It's Sunday

Sunday Evening, i've had a pretty good day. Woke up a bit late because i wasn't able to sleep last night had anxiety, tossing and turning and a major stomach ache of course i had to vomit in order to feel better. But even then took about 2 more hours and tea to make fall asleep at around 3 or 4 am.

Right after i woke up i ate and went for a brisk walk up the hill (what a hill). Felt really good came back took a shower ate a healthy breakfast then got ready to go out so everything felt good until about now that it's 8 im feeling a bit un-easy no heart palpitation just somewhat odd. I don't like this feeling but im not understanding myself at all. I think im just really missing that special someone that i haven't heard from in like a month and a half. I just don't know but i felt like writing i want to record how i feel. Besides that i feel like im doing good i've been eating  right and feel good about it. I think i just have to motivate myself like Anthony always says "you think too much' and i honestly do think way too much. What a problem. Anyways i've gotta go i want to try to hit the hay early today!


xoxo
-Karla-

My June Resolution

I've had so much on mind these past few days, haven't slept much. Its been really hard to beat my late night thoughts. I had a panic attack last night it was really scary, so i hadn't checked my blood pressure in a while (because i get really anxious) but i checked it at a store and it was pretty high 146/103 with a 90 pulse i lost it for a while. Called my insurance nurse and she went over some guidelines and recommendations. I do have to mention that i am on my period and i have been noticing a pattern. Last time when i went to the ER for hbp i was on my period as well, so i need to find out if its relevant. I have a feeling my bp elevates when on my menstrual cycle. Anyways It was a bit hard to sleep after all that but i managed with my mother by my side.But i sort of woke up and realized that i can beat this i can totally lower my blood pressure and become healthy, i just have to push myself to do it.

I started thinking that its now been 8 months since my surgery and thank God my surgery went well I'm now feeling much better and i have some how learned to cope with my condition. But I've been in denial mode, since my surgery i haven't eaten healthy, worked out (well at least now how i should) but instead I've been slaking off a lot. Which in my defense has been a way of ignoring my health conditions. I know not good at all, i feel like I've gained weight and it shouldn't be happening. I've been eating very irresponsibly and out of control. Skipping meals and that sort of stuff. Also when it comes to my pills i have an alarm but at times i ignore the alarm and drink my pills an hour or two after the time i should of taken them. I've even forgotten to take them about three times out of the whole entire time I've been taking them.

And quite honestly its frustrating me that I've been irresponsible about my health condition. So from today and on i have made a vow to myself that i will try my hardest to keep. I vow to do the impossible to improve my health condition. I know i can do it, i just need to find that motivation and self assurance to just go out and do it. I did start today i began to eat my oatmeal and pills on time, i plan to have a food journal i have found it to work. My goal is to be at least 5-10 pounds lighter (or even more if i can) by mid to the end of August when i have my next appointment with my Endocrinologist. So wish me luck because there's time there's no going back my priority is my health and therefore i will do it.

Wish me luck and i will keep you posted on how I'm doing it. Oh almost forgot, took a picture of my scar here it is looks much much better what do you think?

 sorry for the creepy picture, need to find much better angles. But there's my scar looking way better.

P.s
Need to learn how to cook A.S.A.P + in desperate need to change the name of my blog i don't like 'these magic moments' to cliche.

xoxo -Karla-

OH It's that time of the month...

Just came back from having a great time with my friend Liat whom i haven't seen for over 9 months! Since she was out of the Country. Watched Judd Apatow's 'Bridesmaids' film it was hilarious. I must say my favorite quote out of the whole movie was the 'Put your American sausage in my English McMuffin' ha ha ha! It was just amazing being back in a theater i had truly missed it, 1st of all because i hadn't been to the movies since 'Harry Potter part 1' came out, and secondly because Liat is my primary movie buddy.

Anyways I want to concentrate on what happens to me 3 days or even a week before my Period Yes as in MY MENSTRUAL CYCLE, well now its not only 'oh its that time of a month' but it's my sleep deprive time of the month. Thankfully i've been getting regular and very normal periods. But prior to my cycle i experience a lot of things that just make me go crazy.


My heart beats out of my chest like i can seriously feel it, even if i'm chillaxing i can still feel it, (and trust me it's not only in my head) so it gets so bad i will try to ignore it by listening to music, doing my nail art i mean i've tried so many things like warm tea, slow music, reading a book, my mom has even given me massages to soothe me but trust me it just won't work.

So i have to Indore with 3 sleepless nights i will just toss and turn and toss and turn and just toss and turn over and over and over again. There's seriously no telling when i can catch a break. It has become this annoying routine that i just hate. This whole ordeal seriously brings back my whole memory of everything i have gone through and it stresses me out. Right now with the whole insurance issue i can't see my doctor but when i can i will find out what it is. I think the theory that my cardiologist had about having some kind of hormone in-balance is right. Anyways so since i wasn't able to sleep since Monday night and i know tonight won't be the exception, i just wanted to share this crucial part of my monthly activity. I know that as soon as i get my period this will stop like i will get my usual one day bad cramps and dark chocolate cravings. But at least i'm able to sleep so nowadays i prefer to be on my period then wait for it to come!

So weird but as i'm writing instead of trying to sleep im feeling a lot better like relaxed.

Well that's that for today, Goodnight and wishing everyone health, and wellness.
xoxo

-Karla-