CARO DIARIO!

 I've been really tired so i decided to write mini blogs to record my recovery, some what depressing but i can't help it. I need some sun, it hasn't stopped raining and i usually love the rain but right now i need some Energy some warmth because i have the chills badly.

December 14, 2010
9:00 pm
'Molto Stanca'

I'm completely out of it! I'm tired, depressed, sad, upset etc.......
hate it so much, i thought i had been able to get all this under control but depression has been coming back to get me! My body has been in so much pain a simple task as sneezing makes my elbows and wrist hurt as if they are broken. I went out with my mom to Costco and i was so moody, on top of that i could hardly walk my whole body was in excruciating pain. I can't even begin to describe how it felt. But it was a horrible discomfort and complete embarrassment to feel my body in such a poor state. Seriously!!!!!! as i was walking my legs wouldn't react i felt like every bone in my body was just going to collapse right there and then. My arms and my fingers hurt so bad at night that these past 3 days i haven't been able to sleep. I have come back to the days in which i feared for my life, i get so scared at night. The heart palpitations are back (or maybe it's just me) but they sure sound like there back. It makes me so sad that I'm so tired, i sleep and sleep and sleep and still i look tired and this is just too much. Tomorrow is my full body scan and quite frankly I'm so anxious. Yesterday the 13th i got my radioactive pill to get my body ready for the full body scan so i still need to keep  6 feet distance from my little sis and cousin. (So memo to self: MUST FIND MY ENERGY)

December 15, 2010
5:49 pm
'OH GOD GIVE ME STRENGTH'

I don't know how to feel today, crying hasn't helped one bit, but my fear is elevating each passing moment.
I woke up early to get to the hospital before 7:30 am for my full body scan. I thought it would be better/thought i would just do it and everything would be over. But boy oh boy, was i completely wrong. First of all upon seeing the machine that i was going to get into i got very confident that i could do it (piece of cake) Well i was wrong i underestimated the machine it wasn't one of those machines that look like bullets in which they place u to scan your whole body. This one was like a huge straightening iron machine the one's that two steal plates straighten your hair (duh! that's how all straightening iron's look like) well i was chill kept telling myself oh you got this u can so do this.  But the very second that i lay down and started to get pressed by the machine i remember: Yo girl, remember your claustrophobic and this shit don't fly with you!!!! Yup I'm claustrophobic and i had an immediate panic attack specially that the specialist who did it strapped me tight and my entire memory of the surgery came back. I got nauseous tried to close my eyes,  tried for 5 seconds to breath but i kept getting dizzier than ever. I finally realized that i couldn't do it, nearly crying i told the specialist to please stop that i was claustrophobic and i needed time. He said: "You should of told me that." but he was so nice he loosed up the straps and let me breath and relax a bit. But then i had to get back, so  2nd time around I closed my eyes and tried not to think, and finally my head was out just my body was still inside (not great at all but as long as my head was out.) He got me out once again and told me he had to mark my neck and that i unfortunately needed to go back in for 10 minutes (your kidding me right) to take more pictures of my neck in which i have the Cancer. Well i managed my eyes completely shut i tried and i did it (it sure wasn't and easy task to do.) Afterward he had me stand up and with an odd looking machine he stood about 3 feet apart from me and help the machine by my neck upon doing so the machine started beeping as if gold had been found. Then he said: Well there's still a bit of Cancer like it was expected. For a moment he got me happy but then when i went to get my things i saw two pictures of my full body on the monitor it was a white silhouette the back side of my body was all white but the front had 2 black spots, one dot was in my neck the other (can't remember clearly) but it was either in my right or left side breast or arm pit. So i said is the neck the only place i have Cancer he stood quiet and said we have to analyze these picture and your doctor will let u know. (SO IM FREAKING OUT!!!! I'M SCARED SO SCARED! I KNOW WHAT I SAW, I SAW A BLACK DOT BY MY BREAST BONE OR SOMEWHERE IN MY CHEST) Seriously I'm devastated i had already accepted my THYROID CANCER SO PLEASE OH PLEASE LORD HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME! I hope i can get my results back soon cause I'm crushed, words cannot describe how i feel today.

December 16, 2010
7:00pm
'Hectic Day'

It's been an ok day, have had mild stress but i managed to sleep a bit more last night. I've been up the whole day running errands and helping my mother with Brigitte's x-mas school presentation. With only a day left there are seriously no more x-mas dresses left. (Damn Procrastinators lol ) But we finally managed to find a perfect dress for her to wear tomorrow. We also went to a school play she was participating on, she was a little angel dusting snow all over the place (supper cute.) So I've been thinking a lot about my health and it concerns me so much but now im feeling guilty about how much i let this get to me, i have to be strong and i gotta pull myself together.
 
December 17
9:00pm
'Nervous'

My mood has been a whole lot better, spoke to my ENT's secretary and she said the following week i will begin radiation in the hospital. I still don't know how it works, they haven't given me much details about it. All i know is that my doctors just switched gears all of a sudden and i don't know why? First they were going to get more blood work from me and i was scheduled to go to the hospital on Wednesday; but the nuclear specialist over at the hospital called to scratch that and instead go to the hospital first thing But i need to start ASAP because she said my thyroid levels are very high i'm in hypothyroidism that explains all the symptoms that im having: (Weakness, fatigue, depression, chills, joint pain, etc and on top of it im nearly 90% prone to catching a cold or a flue! So gotta be careful with that, specially that it's extremely cold and it hasn't stopped raining. My head hurts a bit so i should lay down.

xoxo

-Karla