What am I searching for?

         I've been away for a while in search of support groups and motivation, because my stress level has been up again. I have felt very weak and with lots of pain. But more than the physical pain accepting myself has been the hardest. I sometimes wake up feeling cheerful and happy but other days im just down my mood changes here and there and it annoys me. My thyroid levels aren't still where they should be. In fact i will begin a higher dosage of thyroid medication on Wednesday. So have to wait 4 more weeks to see if my thyroid levels are where they should be.

I've also cached the flu it was a given since almost everyone in my family had it. So why would i be the exception when in fact im prone to getting sick lol. But i've been hanging on, the flu hasn't been to difficult on me. Warm calm tea has helped me tremendously. My headaches have come back! Not to severe but i can definitely tell they are present. I'm thinking my calcium levels are low because my fingers and toes have been hurting me a bit. My heart palpitations have been away for a while but i managed to see a cardiologist today.

I told him everything i have been experiencing from the low reading of the EKG to the heart palpitations, chest and left arm pain. He took an ultra-sound of my heart and said that it was normal. He will be running some other test next week to see where my heart stands. If all results come out good (which i pray they do) then its likely that i have a cartilage inflammation and my heart palpitation could be due to an imbalance of hormones.

Hopefully i will get all the answers so i can feel better about myself. I have been very scared and i hate feeling like this. I want to feel young again believe it or not i feel ancient having to go to a different specialist is just plain annoying. I want to feel alive and happy. I have felt some what a lone these days. I have been searching to talk to someone about how i feel. I don't want to tell everything i have bottled up to my mother i just hate making her sad with my things. So far i have found some really good support groups online and have even found others who have gone through what i'm going through. But i'm still seeking for the right way to heal myself properly.

Sometimes i don't speak up about my feelings but that's even worse. When i begin to explain my situation to others i can't seem to keep the tears away; and that is how i know that i need to release all this tension and everything i feel.

When i had my saliva gland dilated i met nurse Gwen and she made me feel so good because she herself had gone through my cancer. She told me how she had felt how hard it was on her and gave me some good advice. I really liked her words of encouragement i finally felt like someone truly understood. her words keep lingering in my mind. She said 'Sweetie find something that makes u feel human again' and right there and then i knew i had to find something to make me feel human because since all this started i haven't felt human. I don't know nor can explain how i've felt, and still feel. A lot of my family members excluding my direct family call to ask about be but they keep giving un-wanted advice as to how i should be feeling, eating and even give their in-put as to what medicines i should be taking and some of them have even taken it upon themselves to guide me into a certain religion.

I thank them for caring but i don't feel like any one understands my condition. It's not about the Cancer my cancer is under control i'm very grateful that it didn't spread and that so far there is no future scheduling for another radiation. But the consequences that my thyroidectomy has left are countless. My body is no longer the same i lost a vital organ. I don't think people understand the meaning of that. I don't expect them too but i want to be able to accept myself. My nail design still gives me comfort but im still in search of that the happiness that i lost a long time ago.

Feel like sharing this song. 'Secrets' by One Republic
I definitely need to start sharing my secrets as well.

Thanks for stopping by
xoxo
-Karla

Beyond Tired!

 I'm back, i've been out for a few days because i had a procedure done this past Monday. My surgeon Dr. Kerner had to perform yet another dilation sub-mandibular gland duct on my right side. Because due to my radiation it swelled up again. It's still a bit swollen under my tongue but i can now speak, and eat normally. Going into the procedure was very traumatizing flash backs of Nov. 5th kept coming through my head. But everyone was so nice. I just hope i don't have to have this done again.

I've been very tired, depressed and fearing for my life like crazy. Sleeping at night has been so hard. I've had horrible heart palpitations, panic attacks and just been so annoyed. That is why i decided to go see my regular doctor today. My blood pressure is a little big up but nothing that drastic.  She did an EKG (Electrocardiogram) and it came back that my heart is really slow. I don't know what that means but i know its not normal. So im being referred to a cardiologist can't wait to hear what he has to say.

This is just worrying me way to much. I can't stand the fact that all i keep getting is bad news. I'm trying to be as positive as i can be, but it just gets way to hard. I'm about to loose it. Really hope i can do something about all this. 

Well here's a picture of my mouth after the procedure he did, its lumpy and it still had some blood with pus coming out (i know disgusting) but I must say Doctor Kerner is wonderful at what he does.

2 month's and counting!

I can't believe how fast time has gone by since my surgery, it has now been 2 whole months.

Happy New Year, I've been really sick since my last blog entry. I spent my New year's eve and day in bed resting. I was in complete pain the whole day of new years eve. My left arm and chest were giving me such horrible pain which i now figure was just muscular but at the time it felt like something else was seriously wrong. I almost went to the ER because the pain was just unbearable i cried so much, it was disappointing that while everyone else was welcoming the new year i was crying over the pain that i had. My head was also bothering me quite a lot. But now I'm beginning to think i should blame it all on my last body scan.

After all laying almost for an entire hour on that uncomfortable table to be scan really took a toll on my upper body, neck and head which were the main parts that i had pain in. I also blame the weather, the last time prior to new years eve i had gone out and the temperature was just extremely low. So i must of cached something that really did a number on my joints. But I'm much better today, i managed to get some sun yesterday when i went to the Library. The weather is still really cold, windy and completely crazy. I can't remember having this kind of winter here in California. I just hope it doesn't rain again.

So last week i began my thyroid medication I've been put on levothyroxine 100MCG which is the generic one to Synthroid. I thought the medication was to blame for my weakness but i spoke to my doctor and he said that that's just the lack of thyroid that is making me weak, because the medication won't start working 3-4 weeks from now. So that's comforting to hear lol. Well i still have the pain in my joints like my wrist, knees, elbows and fingers hurt upon waking up and i have this sort of tingling feeling all over my joints. I hate having craving for sweet things. So I'm finding fruits and foods that will satisfy my cravings of candy, cookies and chocolate. I really am trying to eat much healthier i don't eat to much because i rather sleep than eat but when its time to eat, I'm trying to eat as healthy as i can. I want to ask if i can finally get rid of my high blood pressure medication. Because i do feel i was diagnosed incorrectly and that i got high blood pressure upon my cancer developing or as symptoms of it. I do want to start working out but this weather is preventing me from going out. And as a set goal not a resolution i need to learn to fall asleep early my bedtime has become 1-3 in the morning. I have tried but insomnia has got a solid grip on me.

Tomorrow i have an appointment to see Dr. Kerner my surgeon, which i guess its just as procedure to check on the incision. Looks about the same as the last picture i took of it, looks a bit red and it has been giving me some pain. But other than that i believe its fine. I have also made an appointment for next week for a physical i want to check on my heart since i get horrible palpitations that annoy me so much. Also just to be on the safe side that my heart is healthy after everything I've put it on. In 4 weeks ill be visiting my metabolism doctor i guess he will check my calcium levels and blood work. In the meantime i plan to continue resting. But i do want to find out if i can start taking vitamins or supplements to help me with my energy level. I keep asking doctors but they don't seem to like the idea of taking vitamins. But i really think i need to take some iron and stuff like that. So i will keep investigating and searching on my own.

Aside all my issues i didn't give up on my nail designs i tried and tried until i was finally able to do what i wanted to do.

Here is the finish product. In the meantime i won't be doing any hand made characters on my nails because that hurts my neck and back to much but i will try to continue with my love for nail designs. I'm also trying to do some handmade projects. So hopefully i get the energy i need to do them.

Hope everyone is having a wonderful beginning to their new year.
thanks for stopping by.

xoxo
-Karla